Cat humor

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Jokes, jokes and more jokes!
Page 2

Cat Translations!
CAT PHRASE	MEANS
miaowbu	Feed me.
meeow	Pet me.
mrooww	I love you.
Miioo-oo-oo	I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.
mrow	I feel like making noise.
rrrow-mawww	Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.
rrrow-miawww	I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.
miaowmiaow	Play with me.
Miaowmioaw	Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?
mioawmioaw	Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.
raowwwww	I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.
mrowwwww	I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.
Roww-maww-roww	I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.
gakk-ak-ak	My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.
mow	Snuggling is a good idea.
moww	Shedding is pretty good, too.
mowww!	I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.
Miaow! Miaow!	I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.
Mraakk!	Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
ssssRoww!	I believe that I have found a woodchuck or similar animal.
mmmrowmmm	It is certain that the best tasting fish is one you have caught yourself.
mmmmmmm	If I sit in the sunshine for another hour or so, I think I shall be satisfied.
Mreoaw	Please ask room service to send up another can of tuna fish.
Mreeeow	Do you serve catnip with that?
mroow	I have forced my body into a tiny space in order to look cute. How am I doing?
Miaooww! Mriaow!	Since you are using the can opener, I am certain that you understand the value of a well-fed and pampered cat. Please continue.

Cat Translations!
CAT PHRASE MEANS

miaowbu Feed me.
meeow Pet me.
mrooww I love you.
Miioo-oo-oo I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.
mrow I feel like making noise.
rrrow-mawww Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.
rrrow-miawww I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.
miaowmiaow Play with me.
Miaowmioaw Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?
mioawmioaw Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.
raowwwww I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.
mrowwwww I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.
Roww-maww-roww I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.
gakk-ak-ak My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.
mow Snuggling is a good idea.
moww Shedding is pretty good, too.
mowww! I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.
Miaow! Miaow! I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.
Mraakk! Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
ssssRoww! I believe that I have found a woodchuck or similar animal.
mmmrowmmm It is certain that the best tasting fish is one you have caught yourself.
mmmmmmm If I sit in the sunshine for another hour or so, I think I shall be satisfied.
Mreoaw Please ask room service to send up another can of tuna fish.
Mreeeow Do you serve catnip with that?
mroow I have forced my body into a tiny space in order to look cute. How am I doing?
Miaooww! Mriaow! Since you are using the can opener, I am certain that you understand the value of a well-fed and pampered cat. Please continue.

Does Your Cat Own You ?
Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?
Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter?
Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?
Do you kiss your cat on the lips?
Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?
Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?
Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?
Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?
Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?
Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card?
Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?
Do you microwave your cat's food? Prepare it from scratch?
Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or footboard, so you won't disturb the sleeping cat?
At the store, do you pick up the cat food and kitty litter before you pick out anything for yourself?
Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?
Does your cat "insist" on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?
Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet's pictures in their wallets, by the way.)
When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?
Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?
When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?

CAT Rules
LICK-IT DIET	Let them open another can of food. Lick-it dry. Smear it around the dish then turn your nose up at it. An hour later you can sit by the dish and look at it with disdain, meaning; you don't expect me to eat this dry crap, do you?
RUG BURN	Take chunks of food from the plate and drop it on the rug just inside the living room. This is always good to burn them up.
THE SMELL OF HELL	Wander gingerly over to the food they just put out. Stretch your neck out and smell it. Then look up at them with that look that says, "what is this crap?"
WHERE'S MY MILK?	Sit in front of the fridge with your back to them. Be patient because sometimes they won't get up until a commercial. Look over your shoulder at them with a pitiful look. They feel so guilty for making you wait, they'll give you the heavy cream.
CONFUSION SAY	Yes, I know I ate some of that this morning, but that was this morning. I don't want any more of that. Make them open another can of something different. Always keep them confused about your diet.
REDECORATE	A few spots of dried food look great on the baseboard. The harder it gets, the harder they work!
BIRDS & MICE AND THINGS NOT NICE	Always bring home your quarry. Be sure to mess it up. Entrails are a nice touch. Leave it just outside the front door if possible. It's always good if they're not looking down and step on it. This is the Cat's Meow!
INDECISION	Sit at the screen door looking out. They almost always think you want to go out. Run away when they open the door. Three or four times is enough to drive them up the wall.
IN AND OUT	Sit looking at the doorknob. When they open the door, take your time. Take a good look around, pull your head back in. Look around the room. You don't have to decide quickly. Most of the damn fools will hold the door until you get the lay of the land and see which way the wind blows. For a real treat, after several minutes, back into the room, then look at them and say "what're you holding the damn door open for?
PEE TIME	Even if you don't have to go, time your visit for about 3 A.M. Climb on their bed and get in their face. Tickle them with your whiskers until they wake up. The old man probably had to pee anyway but was too lazy to get up. Make a stop by the fridge. It's always worth a try to see if he gives you some milk. If he does, you can always wake him again at 4 A.M.
FOIL & TOIL	A cigarette pack or a ball of foil is great to play with. Be sure to shred it and scatter the pieces. When the old lady is bent over picking up the scraps, you can chuckle at her backside. After all, they don't understand our language anyhow.
WALKING	The main object here is to get underfoot. It's also fun to startle them. As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
DOGS	Always act afraid of dogs in front of humans. They feel so sorry they pick you up to comfort you. Put on a big show and hang on for life.
BARF....	If you have to throw up, get to a bed quickly. Barf in the middle of the quilt, preferably a good thick one that doesn't fit in the washer. It will give the human a chance to go to a Laundromat and spend more money. Add this cost to the total you're already costing them. It makes you feel treasured and expensive. If you cannot manage to get to a quilter, try a chair or an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot. Move around as much as possible to leave a glob, here, there and everywhere. Stand back and watch your mistress gag and swear while she tries to clean it up.
ANOTHER CAT?	No way! Establish your territory early. Make that intruder respect you. He'll give you lots of room and walk around you. When you know he wants to eat, go over and pick on the food so he has to wait. If you like his food, steal it. Deny him all privileges. Be sure to carry on if they give him any attention.
BATHROOMS	Always sit just around the corner of the door so they narrowly miss stepping on you. Smile as they trip, bang into a wall and curse. Hide under the table until they calm down and want to pet you and calm you down.
HAMPERING:	If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering": When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. It's even funnier when they try to avoid stepping on you and fall into a counter or table. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
BEDTIME:	Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
PLAY:	This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.
PAPER BAGS	Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them.
SCRATCHING POSTS	The arms of their easy chairs are great places to scratch and claw the fabric. You need to leave your mark on the world. This always gets their attention. Hassocks are also good scratching posts. It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it.
HUMANS	Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.

Does Your Cat Own You ?
Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?
Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter?
Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?
Do you kiss your cat on the lips?
Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?
Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?
Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?
Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?
Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?
Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card?
Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?
Do you microwave your cat's food? Prepare it from scratch?
Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or footboard, so you won't disturb the sleeping cat?
At the store, do you pick up the cat food and kitty litter before you pick out anything for yourself?
Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?
Does your cat "insist" on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?
Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet's pictures in their wallets, by the way.)
When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?
Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?
When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?

CAT Rules
LICK-IT DIET Let them open another can of food. Lick-it dry. Smear it around the dish then turn your nose up at it. An hour later you can sit by the dish and look at it with disdain, meaning; you don't expect me to eat this dry crap, do you?
RUG BURN Take chunks of food from the plate and drop it on the rug just inside the living room. This is always good to burn them up.
THE SMELL OF HELL Wander gingerly over to the food they just put out. Stretch your neck out and smell it. Then look up at them with that look that says, "what is this crap?"
WHERE'S MY MILK? Sit in front of the fridge with your back to them. Be patient because sometimes they won't get up until a commercial. Look over your shoulder at them with a pitiful look. They feel so guilty for making you wait, they'll give you the heavy cream.
CONFUSION SAY Yes, I know I ate some of that this morning, but that was this morning. I don't want any more of that. Make them open another can of something different. Always keep them confused about your diet.
REDECORATE A few spots of dried food look great on the baseboard. The harder it gets, the harder they work!
BIRDS & MICE AND
THINGS NOT NICE Always bring home your quarry. Be sure to mess it up. Entrails are a nice touch. Leave it just outside the front door if possible. It's always good if they're not looking down and step on it. This is the Cat's Meow!
INDECISION Sit at the screen door looking out. They almost always think you want to go out. Run away when they open the door. Three or four times is enough to drive them up the wall.
IN AND OUT Sit looking at the doorknob. When they open the door, take your time. Take a good look around, pull your head back in. Look around the room. You don't have to decide quickly. Most of the damn fools will hold the door until you get the lay of the land and see which way the wind blows. For a real treat, after several minutes, back into the room, then look at them and say "what're you holding the damn door open for?
PEE TIME Even if you don't have to go, time your visit for about 3 A.M. Climb on their bed and get in their face. Tickle them with your whiskers until they wake up. The old man probably had to pee anyway but was too lazy to get up. Make a stop by the fridge. It's always worth a try to see if he gives you some milk. If he does, you can always wake him again at 4 A.M.
FOIL & TOIL A cigarette pack or a ball of foil is great to play with. Be sure to shred it and scatter the pieces. When the old lady is bent over picking up the scraps, you can chuckle at her backside. After all, they don't understand our language anyhow.
WALKING The main object here is to get underfoot. It's also fun to startle them. As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
DOGS Always act afraid of dogs in front of humans. They feel so sorry they pick you up to comfort you. Put on a big show and hang on for life.
BARF.... If you have to throw up, get to a bed quickly. Barf in the middle of the quilt, preferably a good thick one that doesn't fit in the washer. It will give the human a chance to go to a Laundromat and spend more money. Add this cost to the total you're already costing them. It makes you feel treasured and expensive. If you cannot manage to get to a quilter, try a chair or an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot. Move around as much as possible to leave a glob, here, there and everywhere. Stand back and watch your mistress gag and swear while she tries to clean it up.
ANOTHER CAT? No way! Establish your territory early. Make that intruder respect you. He'll give you lots of room and walk around you. When you know he wants to eat, go over and pick on the food so he has to wait. If you like his food, steal it. Deny him all privileges. Be sure to carry on if they give him any attention.
BATHROOMS Always sit just around the corner of the door so they narrowly miss stepping on you. Smile as they trip, bang into a wall and curse. Hide under the table until they calm down and want to pet you and calm you down.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. It's even funnier when they try to avoid stepping on you and fall into a counter or table.
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.
PAPER BAGS Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them.
SCRATCHING POSTS The arms of their easy chairs are great places to scratch and claw the fabric. You need to leave your mark on the world. This always gets their attention. Hassocks are also good scratching posts. It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it.
HUMANS Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.

Signs Your Cat has a Personality Disorder...

* Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!

* You've repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.

* Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.

* Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.

* No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again...

* Continually scratches on the door to get in... the OVEN door.

* Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.

* Rides in your car with its head out the window.

* She's a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.

* You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.

* Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty "9 Lives" cans.

* Spends all day in litter box separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.

* After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss.

* Sullen and overweight, your sunglass-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.

* Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.

* Makes an attempt on "First Cat" Sock's life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.

Cat Commandments

Thou shall not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.

Thou shall not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

Thou shall not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

Thou shall not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.

Thou shall not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.

Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

Thou shall not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.

Thou shall not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.

Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shall not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

Thou shall not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thee will fall in and trap thyself.

Thou shall not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.

Thou shall not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.

Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.

Thou shall not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.

Thou shall not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

Thou shall remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.

Thou shall show remorse when being scolded.

Strict, Unbending Rules For Stray Cats

1. Stray cats will not be fed.

2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.

3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.

4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.

5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.

6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.

7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.

8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.

9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.

10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".

11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.

13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.

14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.

15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.

16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.

17. Stray cats will sleep outside.

18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.

20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.

21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.

22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.

23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.

24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.

25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.

26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.

27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.

Signs your cat has learned your internet password...

10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

7. Your web browser has a new home page: .

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

Cats Rule!

LICK-IT DIET
Let them open another can of food. Lick-it dry. Smear it around the dish then turn your nose up at it. An hour later you can sit by the dish and look at it with disdain, meaning; you don't expect me to eat this dry crap, do you?

RUG BURN
Take chunks of food from the plate and drop it on the rug just inside the living room. This is always good to burn them up.

THE SMELL OF HELL
Wander gingerly over to the food they just put out. Stretch your neck out and smell it. Then look up at them with that look that says, "what is this crap?"

WHERE'S MY MILK?
Sit in front of the fridge with your back to them. Be patient because sometimes they won't get up until a commercial. Look over your shoulder at them with a pitiful look. They feel so guilty for making you wait, they'll give you the heavy cream.

CONFUSION SAY
Yes, I know I ate some of that this morning, but that was this morning. I don't want any more of that. Make them open another can of something different. Always keep them confused about your diet.

REDECORATE
A few spots of dried food look great on the baseboard. The harder it gets, the harder they work!

BIRDS & MICE AND THINGS NOT NICE
Always bring home your quarry. Be sure to mess it up. Entrails are a nice touch. Leave it just outside the front door if possible. It's always good if they're not looking down and step on it. This is the Cat's Meow!

INDECISION
Sit at the screen door looking out. They almost always think you want to go out. Run away when they open the door. Three or four times is enough to drive them up the wall.

IN AND OUT
Sit looking at the doorknob. When they open the door, take your time. Take a good look around, pull your head back in. Look around the room. You don't have to decide quickly. Most of the damn fools will hold the door until you get the lay of the land and see which way the wind blows. For a real treat, after several minutes, back into the room, then look at them and say "what're you holding the damn door open for?

PEE TIME
Even if you don't have to go, time your visit for about 3 A.M. Climb on their bed and get in their face. Tickle them with your whiskers until they wake up. The old man probably had to pee anyway but was too lazy to get up. Make a stop by the fridge. It's always worth a try to see if he gives you some milk. If he does, you can always wake him again at 4 A.M.

FOIL & TOIL
A cigarette pack or a ball of foil is great to play with. Be sure to shred it and scatter the pieces. When the old lady is bent over picking up the scraps, you can chuckle at her backside. After all, they don't understand our language anyhow.

WALKING
The main object here is to get underfoot. It's also fun to startle them. As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

DOGS
Always act afraid of dogs in front of humans. They feel so sorry they pick you up to comfort you. Put on a big show and hang on for life.

BARF....
If you have to throw up, get to a bed quickly. Barf in the middle of the quilt, preferably a good thick one that doesn't fit in the washer. It will give the human a chance to go to a Laundromat and spend more money. Add this cost to the total you're already costing them. It makes you feel treasured and expensive. If you cannot manage to get to a quilter, try a chair or an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot. Move around as much as possible to leave a glob, here, there and everywhere. Stand back and watch your mistress gag and swear while she tries to clean it up.

HAIR TODAY, HAIR TOMORROW
If you have a bite, be sure to pull a few hairs out. Try to leave them against a nice background where someone is sure to sit. This is sure to get you a nice brushing. Most cats doze off while they are brushed. It's almost better than being petted.

ANOTHER CAT?
No way! Establish your territory early. Make that intruder respect you. He'll give you lots of room and walk around you. When you know he wants to eat, go over and pick on the food so he has to wait. If you like his food, steal it. Deny him all privileges. Be sure to carry on if they give him any attention.

BATHROOMS
Always sit just around the corner of the door so they narrowly miss stepping on you. Smile as they trip, bang into a wall and curse. Hide under the table until they calm down and want to pet you and calm you down.

HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. It's even funnier when they try to avoid stepping on you and fall into a counter or table.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

PLAY:
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

PAPER BAGS
Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them.

SCRATCHING POSTS
The arms of their easy chairs are great places to scratch and claw the fabric. You need to leave your mark on the world. This always gets their attention. Hassocks are also good scratching posts. It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it.

HUMANS
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.

Signs Your Cat is Hanging With the Wrong Crowd

One day, without your permission, he gets his ears pierced.

Your credit card is overcharged, mainly for "9-Lives",
You find attached to the refrigerator a note that reads: "Leave a steak on the front porch at midnight, or you'll never see Spot again".
Too many times a week your cat comes home after one in the morning, totally plastered and with a strong odor of catnip about him.
You come home to catch him in the act of raiding your liquor cabinet.
Several hundred dollars' worth of phone calls appear on your phone bill to "1-900-PUSSYCAT-MEOW"
You find out that the lifetime's supply of cat food wasn't a prize from "Kitten's Life" magazine, but that your cat has been selling drugs in the neighborhood
After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by rubbing up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44 and aims it at you, demanding "Friskies" and catnip.

Signs your cat is planning world domination:

Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.

Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.

Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland.

When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri-Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn.

Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and nine suicide bombs.

What you thought was "heat" is actually a four-legged goose step.

Well, *somebody* subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.

Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals "tattoo" to be blueprint of the UN Building.

Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.

Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out "Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head."

Then -- dead mice in the kitchen. Now -- dead third world dictators in the basement.

Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of "land mine" technology.

Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.

Has recently been acting somewhat... aloof.

What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.

Somehow, you're now subscribed to "Pussy of Fortune" magazine.

Cat Rules

1.   The cat is not allowed in the house.

2.   The cat is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3.   The cat is allowed in all rooms, but must stay off the furniture.

4.   The cat can get on the old furniture only.

5.   The cat is allowed on all the furniture, but it is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6.   The cat can sleep on the bed, but not under the covers or on the pillow.

7.   The cat can sleep under the covers and on the pillow by invitation only.

8.   The cat can sleep under the covers every night and on the pillow too.

9.   Humans must ask permission to sleep under the cover with the cat; only the cat can sleep on the pillow.

10. The cat gives humans a haughty and dismissive look whenever they deign to use the cat's pillow.

Garfield's 10 Worst Cat Jokes

1. Q. What do you get when you cross a cat with a fish?
    A. A carp that always lands on its feet!

2. Q. What does a cat take for a bad memory?
    A. Milk of Amnesia!

3. Q. Did you hear about the two cats who were inseparable?
    A. They were Siamese twins!

4. Q. Why did the cat climb the drapes?
    A. He had goo claws to!

5. Q. Did you hear about the cat who was an over-achiever?
    A. He had 10 lives!

6. Q. Why do cats eat fur balls? |
    A. They love a good gag!

7. Q. Did you hear about the cat who made a killing in sports?
    A. He was in the tennis racket!

8. I knew a cat who was so rich he had his mice monogrammed!

9. Q. What do you get when you cross a cat with a dog?
    A. A severely injured dog!

10. Q. Can cats see in the dark?
    A. Yes, but they have trouble holding the flashlight!

[ Copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]

What do you call it when a cat bites?
     Catnip!

Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?
     It's meow-sic to their ears!

What's every cat's favorite song?
     Three Blind Mice!

Where do cats write down notes?
     Scratch Paper!

Why does everyone love cats?
     They're purr-fect!

What do you call a cat who eats lemons?
     A sourpuss!

What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross?
     A first-aid kit!

What's a cat's favorite food?
     Petatoes!

What's a cat's second favorite food?
     Spa-catti!

What kind of cats lay around the house?
     Car-pets!

How do cats buy things?
     From a cat-alogue!

What do you call it when a cat stops?
     A paws!

Why do cats eat fur balls?
     Because they love a good gag!

What do you call a cat when he first wakes up with the alarm clock?
     Catsup!

Why Cats Have Fur

In the beginning God created the Heaven and the Earth. On the fifth day he created the cat but, unlike today, the cat was without fur.

This was fine for awhile; it was cool in the summer and easy to keep clean. Plus there were no problem with hair balls.

After a while other animals with fur started to tease this hairless creature. They would sing, "Ha, ha, the hairless cat, the hairless cat is ugly and fat!"

"Oh how beautiful the other animals are with their colorful coats of fur," thought the hairless cat.

Soon the cat forgot the songs and was proud again, for it was beautiful in its own way.

Then winter came and it got cold. The cat tried to keep warm, he curled up under bushes and with other animals, but was not as warm as his friends.

When the cat tried to find warm places to stay, he was never able to get comfortable and was always getting bumps and scratches.

One cold night as the cat was curled up under a bush and staring at the sky, a rabbit came by.

"Why are you so sad cat?" asked the bunny.

"I have no fur and I am ugly and cold." replied the cat.

The rabbit cuddled next to the cat and whispered to him in his ears, "If you wish on a shooting star, and believe, your wish can come true."

Just about that time a star glimmered across the sky and the cat knew what to do. The cat closed his eyes tightly and said, "I wish, I wish I had fur and also all other cats of the world had beautiful coats of fur like other animals."

The cat opened his eyes just in time to see the star vanish behind the moon.

A few seconds later the moon began to glow as brightly as the sun and cats all over the world came out of hiding to see the bright light. On the other side of the world, there stood two cats that were greatly frightened and hid deep in a cave somewhere far away.

As the light faded, fur began to grow on the cat. Within minutes the cat and all other cats had beautiful coats of fur. Some long, some short, and of different colors. Deep in the cave shivered the two scared cats. These cats did not see or feel the light, so no hair grew on them.

From then on, the cat was not teased or cold. And the fur also protected the cat from injuries.

Today all cats have fur except for the descendants of those two poor cats that hid. These cats grew in Great Britain and was given the breed name of "Rex," which means "timid."

This is why cats have fur.

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