Jokes, jokes and more
jokes!
Page 1
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats
If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.
Determine which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. They won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.
When it becomes time to dislodge a fur ball, choose the dining room at dinner time.
When your owner returns home laden with packages, fall down in front of them -- this works best on steps, all the better if the individual is proceeding downward. There is always the chance you may get stepped on, but this usually guarantees a fall and if you milk the guilt that follows it is usually worth it.
Should you run into a closed sliding glass door or do anything stupid, never let on as much and go about your business as if "I meant to do that."
If you allow a dog to share your domain you are in luck. Should you tatter the drapes or destroy anything for which you fear retribution, wait until your owner (misnomer if there ever was one) is nearby, slap the dog and run for it. Dogs are stupid and will accept blame for anything. If this ruse should fail simply run and hide. No one really expects to catch a cat.
Chase, frolic, and run from invisible entities. The why doesn't matter, it is just expected.
Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 a.m.
Final Note: ALWAYS walk ON the keyboard!
The top 10 things cats would do if they had access to computers!
10. Break into Vets computer and erase their appointments, And schedule the dog down the street for FULL range of shots.
9. Keep a log of lives used.
8. Access Dogs records of buried bones and change it.
7. Using a CAD program design a better mouse trap.
6. Print a time table of the best window to lay in to catch the best sun.
5. Play with the mouse.
4. Use Fax card to send junk mail back to Dog.
3. Set a schedule for time for eating and sleeping.
2. Leave E-mail to humans telling them it is time to change litter box.
1. Play chase with the cursor.
The pet columnist tells him, "Sorry, Charlie, she thinks that you are a pretty dense kitten. She's trying to teach you to survive. If you want her to stop, you'll have to pick up the mouse IN YOUR MOUTH to prove you've got her message." Haha, say most of us, what kind of a dink would do that, haha.
Time passes.
Then the guy writes back in. He's done it. He's gotten down on his kitchen floor, batted the poor little mouse with his hands and picked it up IN HIS MOUTH (ack! phleck!), and shaken it about to prove he gets it.
His cat, he reported, went berserk. She purred, she head butted, she kneaded him, she praised him in no uncertain terms. She was so THRILLED with her slow boy. She then pranced away. And never brought him another live critter again.
I guess it might be a solution...but then again, just how BIG a
problem is it, after all?
Contrary to popular belief, cats do understand orders. You would assume that if this is so, that they would be trainable. Au contraire! They do pay attention to instructions, and they understand plain English as well as the next person, usually even waiting for you to finish your sentences. This must be true; how else can you explain their immediately doing the opposite? The trick here, then, is plain; to get a cat to do what's required, you must tell them you want the opposite. Reverse cat-chology, so to speak. Sounds logical, doesn't it? Too bad it doesn't work against a creature that can be depended on to do the opposite of, not only what you SAY, but of what you're thinking.
Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying:
a) Welcome home
b) The phone rang twice while you were out
c) Feed me, NOW
Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying:
a) Please don't leave me here all alone
b) Good-bye
c) But what if I get hungry while you out?
Your cat digs its claws in your leg. Is this:
a) An unsuppressed primal instinct
b) A sign of affection
c) A demand to be fed now
Your cat scratches at the door after being fed: Is it saying:
a) Lemme out - I need to use the garden
b) Wanna go out and play
c) Wonder what they've got to eat next door?
Cats:
Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean:
a) It's hungry
b) It's lost
c) You're hungry
Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this:
a) supper
b) something to keep you going till supper's ready
c) inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the human's got.
Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean:
a) You're in trouble - better not do it again
b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time
c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
Staircases are for:
a) Getting up to the human's bedroom at 4am
b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of
c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
d) all of the above
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. - W.C. Fields
The best mousetrap ever invented: A Cat
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
When addressed, a cat does not move a muscle, they look as they hadn't heard.
There is a "MEOW" in the middle of "Homeowner"
The best way to keep a cat is to try to chase it away.
Beware of people who dislike cats.
A creature that never cries over spilt milk: a Cat.
A cat takes no interest in other people's affairs, unless he is directly concerned.
The Cat appears to have feelings only for themselves, loves only conditionally, and enters into relations with people only to abuse them.
Cat instinctively know the precise moment their owners will awaken.. then will awaken them ten minutes earlier.
The Cat; An animal that's so unpredictable, you can never tell in advance how it will ignore you the next time.
The phrase "domestic cat" is an oxymoron.
If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man, but would deteriorate the cat.
A kitten is chiefly remarkable for rushing about like mad at nothing whatever, and generally stopping before it gets there.
There is a ridiculous idea that dogs are superior to cats because cats cannot be trained. Well a CAT will not jump into a lake and bring back a stick. WOULD YOU??
Anybody, any lout, any half-wit, any scruffy, self-centered moron, can command the affection and servile obedience of a DOG, but it takes intelligence and understanding.. to win the affection of a cat.
I learned all I need to know from my cat!
It's ok to wear the same things everyday.
Sleeping is very underrated, ... as is stretching.
Never crack your knuckles.
Grooming requires a serious time commitment.
Remember to wash behind your ears, in between your toes and under your arms.
Keep your nails trimmed and hair clean.
Pee without getting any on your feet.
Eat when you're hungry, when you're not hungry, play with your food.
If you don't see it, ask for it.
Counters are the best place to sit in a kitchen.
Show some discretion.
Don't burp in public.
Have no qualms about sharing a plate of food, or eating leftovers.
Drink milk.
Try not to obsess about cholesterol.
Be hard to leave.
Notice squirrels, investigate shadows, and chase butterflies.
Make your own hours.
Shred all documents.
Money is only paper.
Be curious.
Get to know people in high places, somehow.
Don't be afraid to take chances.
Take a moment to recover your dignity, but don't dwell on the past too much.
Don't always come when you are called.
Try new things.
Take time to eat some flowers.
Stare unabashedly.
Test limits.
Be tolerant, but not overly accommodating.
Get mad when you are stepped on.
Forget that you were stepped on.
Know all the sunny places.
Sometimes you can't explain your actions.
Sometimes you can't explain yourself.
Have a sneeze that is the envy of others.
Make yourself vulnerable, but don't be afraid to bite the hand that feeds you.
Challenge yourself.
Share your victories.
Recycle.
Exercise daily.
Go barefoot.
Obey your instincts.
Claim your own chair.
Flaunt your hair loss.
Vary your hangouts.
Make the world your playground.
Recognize the toy in everything.
Make the most of unstructured time.
There is always time for a nap.
Be easy to come home to.
Show affection and contentment.
Everyone is entitled to an occasional mood swing.
The faster you run upstairs, the more likely you are to forget why you went up
there in the first place.
There is nothing wrong with changing your mind.
Love unconditionally.
Avoid company you do not like.
Accept that all company may not like you.
Depend on others without losing your independence.
Enjoy your own company.
Be a good listener.
Invite yourself to dinner.
Don't drool.
Scratch when and where it itches.
Get used to silences.
Be entertaining, strike poses, wiggle your ears.
Jump right into the middle of things.
Just because you're home, you don't have to answer the phone.
Ask for attention.
Feel no guilt.
Use negative attention getting tactics only as a last resort.
Ignore television.
Yawn like you really mean it.
Find a good lap to curl up in.
Be soft.
Be cool.
Be mysterious.
Be able to make someone feel better just by being there.
Make people wonder what you do at night.
Be good at finding things in the dark.
Have a warm bed.
Be loved.
Dream.
Poe's Cat
The End of the Raven (With Apologies To Poe)
On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting,
I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.
Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven,
Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door.
"Raven's very tasty," thought I, as I tiptoed o'er the floor,
"There is nothing I like more"
Soft upon the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore.
While the bard and birdie chattered, I made sure that nothing clattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered, as I crossed the corridor;
For his house is crammed with trinkets, curious and weird decor
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.
Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents' worth -"Nevermore.
While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and quickly leapt up, pouncing on the feathered bore.
Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore -
Only this and not much more.
"Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out, "Pussycat, it's time that I dried out!
Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before;
How I've wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty
Put an end to that damned ditty" - then I heard him start to snore.
Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.
-- by Edgar Allen Poe's CAT
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer "Lord, all of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. We are tired of running Lord. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on
the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him "How are things
since you are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies "Lord,
it's wonderful here, so much better than I could have ever expected! And those
meals on wheels you've been sending by are the best!!!"
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls.
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.