Furrrrrrrrbulous Jokes!
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat
attacks them. The mother mouse says, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why
it's important to learn a foreign language?"
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath." he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
My husband said it was him or the cat.
I miss him sometimes.
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.
The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
Computer Spell Checker
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
(Sauce unknown)
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her
front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears
in front of her and informs her that she will be granted
three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really
rich." *Poof* Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*Poof* She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the
porch in front of them.
"Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*Poof* There, before her, stands a young man more handsome than anyone could
possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes
her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet
you're sorry you had me neutered."
Q. What do you use to perk up a cat?
A. A catatonic.
Q. What do you use to comb a cat?
A. A catacomb
Q. What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
A. One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
Recently a judge dismissed an entire jury made up of cats. Do you know why?
Every one of them was guilty of purrjury!
Where Do Pets Come From?
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in
the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do
pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
A woman walked into the pet store. "I haven't got much money", she told
the clerk,
"so I'd like to know if you've got any kittens you'll let go cheap".
"I'd let them, Ma'am." said the clerk, "but they prefer to meow".
Q. What do you call a cat that gets up when the alarm goes off?
A. Catsup!!
This message iz sent to yoo with the hope yoo will furward it to EVERYKITTIE yoo
have ever even seen the e-mail address ov. Pleeze feel free to post it anywhere and
everywhere.
Okay, efurykittie....a troo story ov justice in the good old U.S. ov A. Thought y'all
might enjoy this; if nothing else, it shows internet justice, if it can be called that.
My sister Becky N Ize had just finished sum toonaz at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Furtroit N
decided to have a small dessert. Because weez such Pounce lovers, we decided to try the
"Neiman-Marcus Pounce". Theyz was so excellent that Ize asked if they would give
me the recipe but they sed with a small frown, "I'm afurd not." Well, Ize sed,
would yoo let me buy the recipe? With a cute smile, she sed, "Yes." Ize asked
how much, and she responded, "Two fifty." Ize sed with approval to just add it
to my Pawz Visa.
Thirty dayz later, Paw received hiz VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it was $285.00.
Ize looked at it N Ize remembered weez had only spent $9.95 for two toonaz and about
$20.00 for a kittie-bed. As Ize glanced at the bottom ov the statement, it sed,
"Pounce Recipe - $250.00." Boy, was Paw upset!! Ize called Neiman's Accounting
Dept. and told them the waitress sed it was "two fifty," and Ize did not realize
she meant $250.00 for a Pounce recipe.
Ize asked dem to take back the recipe and reduce Pawz bill and they sed they were furry
sorry, but because all the recipes were dis expensive so not just everyone could duplicate
any ov our bakery recipes... the bill would stand.
Ize waited, thinking ov how Ize could get even or even try and get any ov Pawz muney back.
Ize just sed, "Okay, yoo folks got Pawz $250.00 and now I'm going to have $250.00
worth ov funfun." Ize told her that Ize was going to see to it that efurry Pounce
lover will have a $250.00 Pounce recipe from Neiman-Marcus for nuffing. She replied,
"Ize wish yoo wouldn't do this." Ize sed, "I'm furry sorry but this iz the
only way Ize feel Ize could get even," and Ize will.
So, here it is, and pleeze pass it to some udder kittie or run a few copies... Paw paid
for it; now yooz can have it for free.
don't try making this recipe....
(Recipe may be haffed.):
2 cups weet gluten
4 cups weet flower
2 tsp. Potassium Sorbate
2 cups beef liver
5 cups blended chicken meel
24 oz. toona
2 cups dried cheder cheeze
1 tsp. salt
2 tsp. Torula dried yeast
4 dried egg products
2 tsp. Red 40
3 cups animal fat (perserved wiff BHA)
Measure chicken meel and blend in a blender to a fine powder. Cream the weet
gluten and weet flower. Add dried egg products and Red 40; mix together with beef liver,
toona, salt, yeast, and cheeze. Add animal fat and potassium Sorbate. Shape into liddle
fishies and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees.
Makes 112 Pounces.
Have funfun!!! This iz not a joke --- this iz a troo story. That's it. Please, pass it
along to efurrykittie yoo know, hoominz, mailing lists, etc...
KitTen
God and The Cat
One day, a cat died of natural causes, & woke up in Heaven. As is His custom
when a really -good- soul arrives there, the Almighty Himself greeted the cat.
"Hello, My Cat, Little Fur-Soul. You were a -very- good cat while you lived on Earth.
I'd like to do something special for you, as you deserve a reward. Just name it, &
it's yours, I promise."
The cat thought for a moment, then replied, "Well, Your Majesty, all my life I lived
with a poor family. They were VERY kind to me, but they had so little money, we had no
soft carpet. I slept on a hard, wooden floor, & it -did- make my bones ache, the older
I got."
"Say no more," said the Omnipitent One. "I know -just- what you need."
*PFOOMP!*
A soft, fluffy pillow appeared. The cat wasted no time in crawling onto it, snuggling
down, & as only a cat can sigh, he sighed with utter pleasure. God petted the cat
& he fell fast asleep. When He was certain the puss was sound asleep, He stole quietly
away.
A few days later, a bunch of (very good) mice died in a tragic farming accident, &
woke up in Heaven. God met them & gave them the same offer. After conferring amongst
themselves for a bit, one mouse was elected to speak for the rest. He bowed low &
said, "Sir, all our lives we were on the run. We were forever being chased -- by
everything & everyone! We were persued by dogs, cats, even women with brooms! Sir, we
are just -really- tired of running. If You could find some way to save our weary little
feet--"
The All-Knowing stopped him & said, "Say no more! I have just the thing!"
*PFOOMP!*
All the mice were instantly fitted with teeny 24 karat gold skates. Some got in-lines,
others box style. They looked up at God & squeaked with delight. They began playing
mousey games of chase, racing, hide-&-go- hide-again, a few of the younger ones even
doing trick skating. Seeing that He had obviously pleased them, God laughed & stole
away, leaving them to their merriment & fun.
About a week later, God decided to go see if the cat was still as happy as He'd left him.
He found him, still snoozing on the same fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat, who,
as only a cat can stretch & yawn, stretched & yawned mightily.
"How are you, Cat?" God asked, smiling. "Still happy? Is Heaven to your
liking?"
The cat raised up & said, "Yes, Sir! Why, I never in my -wildest- dreams imagined
life could be this wonderful! I get to sleep without fear of being interrupted or worse,
chased by dogs, I get all the tuna & shrimp I can eat, the days are warm & the
pillow You gave me is still as soft as ever. I just want to thank you from the bottom of
my heart for everything You've given me! But -most- of all, I'd like to thank you for
those marvelous meals on wheels You've been sending by. They're the Greatest!"
"I have an Egyptian cat. He leaves a pyramid in every room." Rodney Dangerfield
One fine sunny day, two robins were laying on their backs, enjoying the sun. A mother cat and her kittens went strolling by. The kittens, as always, were saying how hungry they were and what could they have to eat? Their mama, spying the birds, said "How about some baskin' robins?"
The End of the Raven
-- by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat
On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting,
I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.
Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven,
Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door.
"Raven's very tasty," thought I, as I tiptoed o'er the floor,
"There is nothing I like more"
Soft upon the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore.
While the bard and birdie chattered, I made sure that nothing clattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered, as I crossed the corridor;
For his house is crammed with trinkets, curios and wierd decor -
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.
Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents' worth -
"Nevermore."
While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and quickly lept up, pouncing on the feathered bore.
Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore -
Only this and not much more.
"Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out, "Pussycat, it's time I dried out!
Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before;
How I've wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty
Put and end to that damned ditty" - then I heard him start to snore.
Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.
A man runs into the vet clinic with his dog. The doctor says "What seems to
be the problem?" The man, frantic, says, "Well, he just isn't acting right, Doc.
Can you do something for him?" At this point, a cat comes sauntering into the room.
The cat walks in a circle around the dog, checking him out.
"Oh, don't mind him, that's my cat", says the doctor. "Anyway, your dog
seems to be okay now. Take these pills and give them to him once a day. Call if you have
any more problems."
Well, the dog recovered nicely. A few days later, the man receives the vet's bill in the
mail.
$10.00 for medicine, $450.00 for lab tests.
The man rushes to the phone-calls the doctor.
"Doctor! This bill! I'm sure you didn't run any lab tests! I don't understand! What's
the $450.00 for??"
The doctor replies, "Oh, sure, that's for the cat scan".